So today I'm driving down the road and I just start tearing up. I think it's fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of my belief in something that I can't see. My faith is strong in Christ Jesus. He's delivered me from so much. He takes care of me and my family. I fail Him terribly at times but I know He is always there waiting on me. I get mad at myself because I let doubt set in and start questioning the whole adoption thing.
I really want to just go get the loan, go and do it and be done. We know we want to adopt, we know we want a little girl, we know we are ready. So, what's the problem? The problem is "me". See so many times I've taken over, I've made it happen or did it like I thought it should be and then "it's a mess...." I spend days sometimes months or years looking back thinking why didn't I pray and let God move. See I want what I want, NOW! Maybe you are the same way...I don't know.
I have to remember to God a day is a year and a year is a day. So I pray I can stay on God's clock. I pray that I look and see that only a moment has passed and any moment His glory will be revealed. I get excited, I get anxious sometimes....because I know that in the end, I'll want to shout from the rooftop...LOOK WHAT GOD DID!!! I get that way sometimes with just my personal deliverance. Sharing with folks about his unfailing Love and how He chose us, it was never about us or what we can do for Him. He's such an Awesome God.
So for now, I won't pay attention to the days that go by until we get her. I will stand confident knowing with God's timing all is perfect.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Expect a Miracle
There are days that I really want to get down and discouraged. My mind starts thinking and the devil gets a hold and doesn't let go. Even though God has spared me from death, even though He has blessed me beyond measure, I still want to throw the towel in at times.
Even though I believe in Him, even though my faith is strong. It's still very easy to think my mountains are much larger than any amount of faith that may be in me. You see, I am a thinker...and the devil knows I am. So that's where I fight most of my battles, in my mind. I wish I could be one of those carefree folks but I'm not. A planner, that's what I am. So when there is no plan, I feel like I'm out of control. But, that's exactly how God wants us. We are nothing, He is everything. Now that's hard to accept....but in our weakness, He is the strongest.
Expecting a miracle in any situation is hard because it requires us to see something that is not there as well as having no idea how it will ever happen. The other day I found the coolest sign. Expect a Miracle, kinda shabby chic, little pink dots on it....I bought it and it's now hanging in the pink bedroom. Do I feel crazy doing this? Yes. Do I kinda cringe when someone looks in there and see's my "acts of faith"? Yes. Are there days I want to take it down, paint the room and forget it all? Yes. Then in the stillness, in my time alone with God reading His Word, His voice is clear. He will give us the desires of our hearts, that he is longing to be good to us, that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can say mountain move and it will.
The coolest thing is we have the Word to get stirred up, to read about His wonderous works. To read how faith saw so many through. Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Noah, Rahab, Job, David....all of them, they all lived a miracle....some had heard about this man named Jesus but to have all the miracles in one book, they didn't have it....So here we are today roaming around. Trying to make things happen. Trying to come up with plans. Giving up on things that are in are heart. Forgetting that He is our Provider. Forgetting that He is the God that spoke the world into motion.
He wants to see our faith but without works it is nothing...I'm not talking about works, in the way many think...like working to get grace or mercy or any of the things He gives us for free....I'm talking about works of faith. Believing, speaking His Word, walking around that mountain, taking on the Goliath we may be facing. See it's easy to forget all the things He has done. It's hard when we face battle after battle. What if we didn't give up so easy, I wonder what would happen....maybe just exactly what we would least expect. A Miracle.
Even though I believe in Him, even though my faith is strong. It's still very easy to think my mountains are much larger than any amount of faith that may be in me. You see, I am a thinker...and the devil knows I am. So that's where I fight most of my battles, in my mind. I wish I could be one of those carefree folks but I'm not. A planner, that's what I am. So when there is no plan, I feel like I'm out of control. But, that's exactly how God wants us. We are nothing, He is everything. Now that's hard to accept....but in our weakness, He is the strongest.
Expecting a miracle in any situation is hard because it requires us to see something that is not there as well as having no idea how it will ever happen. The other day I found the coolest sign. Expect a Miracle, kinda shabby chic, little pink dots on it....I bought it and it's now hanging in the pink bedroom. Do I feel crazy doing this? Yes. Do I kinda cringe when someone looks in there and see's my "acts of faith"? Yes. Are there days I want to take it down, paint the room and forget it all? Yes. Then in the stillness, in my time alone with God reading His Word, His voice is clear. He will give us the desires of our hearts, that he is longing to be good to us, that if we have faith as small as a mustard seed we can say mountain move and it will.
The coolest thing is we have the Word to get stirred up, to read about His wonderous works. To read how faith saw so many through. Abraham, Sarah, Moses, Noah, Rahab, Job, David....all of them, they all lived a miracle....some had heard about this man named Jesus but to have all the miracles in one book, they didn't have it....So here we are today roaming around. Trying to make things happen. Trying to come up with plans. Giving up on things that are in are heart. Forgetting that He is our Provider. Forgetting that He is the God that spoke the world into motion.
He wants to see our faith but without works it is nothing...I'm not talking about works, in the way many think...like working to get grace or mercy or any of the things He gives us for free....I'm talking about works of faith. Believing, speaking His Word, walking around that mountain, taking on the Goliath we may be facing. See it's easy to forget all the things He has done. It's hard when we face battle after battle. What if we didn't give up so easy, I wonder what would happen....maybe just exactly what we would least expect. A Miracle.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
That horse....
A while back I wrote about this horse up from our house. While driving by this horse on several occasions, he was always in the same corner....After about 10 times noticing it, God spoke to me and said, "Paige you are much too like that horse." You get in your little safe corner and stay stuck there. There all too many of us that do the same thing.
Shortly thereafter, while driving one day I noticed the horse had moved from his little corner to out in the middle of the field. And, then another day he was over in another area. Very good, I thought...very, good. A lesson had actually been learned in it all and I tried myself to venture out and not stay in my little corner. Doing things that were bold and things that required more of me for others, rather than more of me for myself. Singing a little louder and speaking praises of our Lord a little more often. It was good, very good....
Now, a few days ago I drive by and THE HORSE IS BACK IN IT'S CORNER! How ironic .....exactly what we do.....It's so easy for us to get right back into the same ole, same ole. My corner is pretty safe....as little fear as possible, as little hurt, no worry about acceptance....So I go about not exposing myself to anymore than necessary and I pray that I can just stay in my little corner and have my relationship with God. I keep my back in the corner and I have visual of everything that comes my way, or at least I try my hardest. Control, I think that's what it's called.....
That personal relationship is important BUT what good are we doing if we aren't out sharing. Out in the middle of the field...just waiting for an opportunity to do what He has called us to do, be who we know He wants us to be. Not the "safe Christian" who makes it all personal but the "out in the field Christian" ready for whatever God needs us to do.
So it's crazy, this horse....It's like I know him....because he is just like me. I smile when I drive by now, whether he's out in the field or back in his corner. May we all be "out in the field Christians"!
Shortly thereafter, while driving one day I noticed the horse had moved from his little corner to out in the middle of the field. And, then another day he was over in another area. Very good, I thought...very, good. A lesson had actually been learned in it all and I tried myself to venture out and not stay in my little corner. Doing things that were bold and things that required more of me for others, rather than more of me for myself. Singing a little louder and speaking praises of our Lord a little more often. It was good, very good....
Now, a few days ago I drive by and THE HORSE IS BACK IN IT'S CORNER! How ironic .....exactly what we do.....It's so easy for us to get right back into the same ole, same ole. My corner is pretty safe....as little fear as possible, as little hurt, no worry about acceptance....So I go about not exposing myself to anymore than necessary and I pray that I can just stay in my little corner and have my relationship with God. I keep my back in the corner and I have visual of everything that comes my way, or at least I try my hardest. Control, I think that's what it's called.....
That personal relationship is important BUT what good are we doing if we aren't out sharing. Out in the middle of the field...just waiting for an opportunity to do what He has called us to do, be who we know He wants us to be. Not the "safe Christian" who makes it all personal but the "out in the field Christian" ready for whatever God needs us to do.
So it's crazy, this horse....It's like I know him....because he is just like me. I smile when I drive by now, whether he's out in the field or back in his corner. May we all be "out in the field Christians"!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Do you dance?
As I waited to board the plane on my way to Phoenix, I noticed a couple sitting across from me. The gentlemen was a tall, handsome gray headed man probably 50 or so and his wife, I assume, dressed in a cute pink top, a smile that radiated and a head with no hair. Cancer, I am sure.
I couldn’t help but wonder what type of cancer she had and if she was in remission or if she was fighting the disease. As I sat and waited to board, it was not hard to recognize the love the two had for each other. Sitting closely, holding hands, conversing back and forth, leaning their head on each other and even a kiss or two. Just in a few minutes, they probably shared more intimate moments than many of us do in a whole day, week or even possibly a lifetime!
My thoughts begin to wander with each look they gave each other, each kiss and each embrace. The good things at first like: were they going on a trip to see children, were they going on a vacation, maybe they had been to treatment and it was a great success and they were so happy with the outcome. Then the more somber thoughts like they only knew they had a little amount of time left together, possibly the cancer was incurable and they were enjoying the last few days, weeks or months they may have together.
So we boarded and I soon found my spot at the back of the plane. A bird’s eye view, maybe they wouldn’t notice me so entranced with the shear intimacy they were sharing. Both pointing and looking at the airplane window, he giving her soft pecks on the cheek, laughing with each other and putting his arm around her. She looking at him, like he was her knight in shining armor.
I am sure that they both have faced the reality of dealing with this deadly disease. The fear and angst that comes with any life and death diagnosis like cancer, can cause a person to really take a look at what is important in life. It really made me wonder why then is it so hard for us each day to not enjoy the same love they were experiencing. Like those songs go, “Live like you were dying,” or “If you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance.” Why is it so hard for us “to dance”? I can think of many times, I “sit it out” instead of “dancing”. Was it because of fear, anger, worry or complacency? Did we just not have the energy or the time? Were we so caught up in our life and what makes us happy, that we never took the time to be a blessing to others?
I don’t know how much time the lady in the pink shirt with the radiant smile might have to live. I’m not sure if her husband is just so joyful that he has more time with her or if he is spending the last few days he does have being the husband that maybe he hasn’t been for the last few years. Who knows? The time she has could be 10 years or it could be 10 days. Does it really matter? Should we be concerned how many days we have on this earth? God tells us that we have an eternal home. That this world is not our home. We are like pilgrims in a foreign land. God tells us that he formed us before we were in the womb and he knows each day that we will be presented. So why do we worry about tomorrow? Why don’t we live each day as the true gift it is, a gift from God. Is it possible that we could share more, give more and love more? Is it possible that we could “live like we were dying” or take that “dance” each day.
I’m thankful that God opened my eyes and my heart to the world around me. That he is showing me daily it so much more than me and more about Him. Thank you God for the lady in the pink shirt, radiant smile and bald head.
I couldn’t help but wonder what type of cancer she had and if she was in remission or if she was fighting the disease. As I sat and waited to board, it was not hard to recognize the love the two had for each other. Sitting closely, holding hands, conversing back and forth, leaning their head on each other and even a kiss or two. Just in a few minutes, they probably shared more intimate moments than many of us do in a whole day, week or even possibly a lifetime!
My thoughts begin to wander with each look they gave each other, each kiss and each embrace. The good things at first like: were they going on a trip to see children, were they going on a vacation, maybe they had been to treatment and it was a great success and they were so happy with the outcome. Then the more somber thoughts like they only knew they had a little amount of time left together, possibly the cancer was incurable and they were enjoying the last few days, weeks or months they may have together.
So we boarded and I soon found my spot at the back of the plane. A bird’s eye view, maybe they wouldn’t notice me so entranced with the shear intimacy they were sharing. Both pointing and looking at the airplane window, he giving her soft pecks on the cheek, laughing with each other and putting his arm around her. She looking at him, like he was her knight in shining armor.
I am sure that they both have faced the reality of dealing with this deadly disease. The fear and angst that comes with any life and death diagnosis like cancer, can cause a person to really take a look at what is important in life. It really made me wonder why then is it so hard for us each day to not enjoy the same love they were experiencing. Like those songs go, “Live like you were dying,” or “If you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance, I hope you dance.” Why is it so hard for us “to dance”? I can think of many times, I “sit it out” instead of “dancing”. Was it because of fear, anger, worry or complacency? Did we just not have the energy or the time? Were we so caught up in our life and what makes us happy, that we never took the time to be a blessing to others?
I don’t know how much time the lady in the pink shirt with the radiant smile might have to live. I’m not sure if her husband is just so joyful that he has more time with her or if he is spending the last few days he does have being the husband that maybe he hasn’t been for the last few years. Who knows? The time she has could be 10 years or it could be 10 days. Does it really matter? Should we be concerned how many days we have on this earth? God tells us that we have an eternal home. That this world is not our home. We are like pilgrims in a foreign land. God tells us that he formed us before we were in the womb and he knows each day that we will be presented. So why do we worry about tomorrow? Why don’t we live each day as the true gift it is, a gift from God. Is it possible that we could share more, give more and love more? Is it possible that we could “live like we were dying” or take that “dance” each day.
I’m thankful that God opened my eyes and my heart to the world around me. That he is showing me daily it so much more than me and more about Him. Thank you God for the lady in the pink shirt, radiant smile and bald head.
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